This Blog Will Blow Your Mind!

Inside the Double Wide

2006-11-02T13:16:00.000-10:00

So here's the picture of the inside of the double wide. Sorry Rhea it's taken me so long to post it. Please notice the clutter - dont' worry it's always there.

Weather Is Stupid

2006-10-19T12:54:00.000-10:00

It's cold here. I'm wearing a sweater, an enormous coat, scarf and I had to buy a hat yesterday. I'm having to do thinks like buy hats and 'prep my car for winter' that I thought were just fictional activities that people talk about to make the situation more dramatic. I'm also going to have to buy a shovel...as in to shovel snow. WHAT? Where am I? What was I thinking?!?!

I will say that a comforting thought I have often is that if I fail out of grad school I can always move back to a place with a warmer climate and good Mexican food.

Something New

2006-09-07T05:01:00.000-10:00

I have officially lived in Butthole for about 3 weeks now and have had some new encounters.

1. I pass a cornfield to get to my house.

2. I had to wait for the Amish horse and buggy to pass in order to get to school.

3. I needed a sweatshirt in August because it is getting cold at night.

4. I saw 3 raccoons...I thought they were mythical creatures.

5. I have seen 5 deer...that's just cute.

6. I haven't been on a large highway or interstate since I moved here.

Where am I?

PS - If anyone is inclined to visit Butthole there is a historic barn tour I've heard a lot about.

There is weird stuff in butthole!

2006-08-17T11:00:00.000-10:00

Now that I have officially lived in butthole for almost a week I have noticed some things that are very foreign.

1. They got weird bugs here y'all. I thought I was used to the enormous cockroaches that can be found in Texas, but these bugs are weird. The ants are black not red and they have these things that light up at night. I thought a firefly was a mythical creature.

2. As I predicted hair and make up is a rare occurrence. (sigh)

3. I saw these things in the sky at night that were weird. I thought stars were mythical objects.

4. I have to drive by a corn field to get to my house!

5. It's too quiet in my house so I leave the TV on.

I will say everyone I have met has been really nice. I do appreciate that. Please notice I didn't say fun. We all know they could never measure up to the standards that I am used to, but nice is good.

It's totally a double wide y'all.

2006-08-14T13:14:00.000-10:00

So here's where I live. It's sad and depressing, but hopefully I can get a roommate soon! Let's not ever talk about it.

Road Trip Y'all!

2006-08-09T21:18:00.000-10:00

It's the day of the move and I'm still real sad about it. But today at 8 a.m. I climbed into my car and drove for a billion hours and stopped in Rolle, Missouri. I think the only thing that kept me from not crying into the steering wheel were all the calls and text messages from fab friends. I also listened to the Godfather on audio book. Holy crap it's good. I found out about the horse head! I can't wait to see the movies.

Now let me summarize my trip. I used an outhouse. It was disgusting and an emergency. Believe me if I didn't have to I wouldn't have used it. I took a nap in my car - redic. I went into a gas station in who knows where and listened to a guy in the most stereo-typical hick accent I've ever heard discuss his new Jack-coozy while his buddy showed him a picture of the latest deer he had shot. I'm currently staying at a Holiday Inn (it's the nicest thing in the town) with the parents and have a view of someone's back porch and bar-b-q. When ordering take-out I passed on the possibility of "ordering by the tub" and settled on Chinese food that I spilled all over the floor.

Let's return for a moment to the tub ordering. At Imo's Pizza one can order items in "tubs to go." They have spaghetti, chicken Parmesan and Fettucini Alfredo in a tub for your eating pleasure. Although it was tempting to order something via tub I chose the Chinese take out instead.

Don't worry there are 5 more hours of driving tomorrow so I'm sure something else crazy will happen! I'll have pictures then!

I want to meet this guy

2006-08-02T07:21:00.000-10:00

The Life of the Unemployed

2006-07-24T15:39:00.000-10:00

Today is my first day without a job so my first task was to visit the Social Security office and get a new card. The Social Security office is not what I would call a fancy place. I might have gotten a disease from the chair I sat in. As I sit in the chair I unintentionally met an interesting young man. Here is a direct transcript from this morning.

GUY: 'Scuse me.

ME: yes

GUY: You got nice toes.

ME: What?

GUY: You got nice toes.

ME: Thanks.

GUY: I really like toes. D'you get a pedicure?

ME: Yes.
(Please notice here all my responses are one word.)

GUY: You gotta do the pedicure.

ME: Yup. Especially in the summer.

GUY: Summertime (a la Porgy and Bess...yes that's right he started singing)

Awkward silence

GUY: (pokes me with his cell phone antenna) What's your name?

ME: Emily (stupid move)

GUY: That's niiiiiice. My names ____________ (I don't remember what he said...I know I'm a jerk)

Awkward Silence.

Then like a voice from heaven: A124 to desk 3.

I quickly run to desk 3, but as I'm leaving my little friend does make an effort to block the door so he can say goodbye and get one last look at my toes.

I'm considering going back to work if this is what it's like to be unemployed.

Dallas I Love You Part 1

2006-07-20T10:31:00.000-10:00

I love Dallas and this will be the first in a series of all the things I will miss when I move.

1. Mexican Food! This includes a great margarita. I think we take for granted the genius of Mexican food and the ability to get it quickly. Even Taco Cabana is better than the Mexican food in other places. I'll miss you Posada’s fajitas.

2. Driving on the interstate. I really love to drive especially if there is just enough traffic that lets me go fast. I love to weave in and out of the cars. It is really relaxing for me.

3. Culture. I love that I can pop into a museum or go see a great play any time.

I will miss you Dallas for many things, but mostly for your Mexican food.

AHHHHHH!!!!

2006-07-13T06:35:00.000-10:00

Every time I hear or see a commercial with these guys I want to stab myself in the eye with something sharp. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour makes me crazy. If they never spoke again the world would be a better place.

It's Official!

2006-07-12T16:38:00.000-10:00

It's is official now. I'm moving to go to WIU on August 9.

I quit my job this week and now all I have to do is pack up my belongings and move. I have a sinking feeling that I will get there and they will say, "just kidding you don't get to go to school." And I will have to come back without a job and live at home. I guess if that's the worst that happens it's not that bad.

I will say throughout this entire process my friends have been amazing...even when they pretend not to support my decision. They have really shown me how to show love. They have encouraged me and helped me build memories for one last summer.

WHOA!!! That was about as serious as I will get. So I'm moving and I will miss Mexican food and that's about it. I don't think they have great margarita’s in butthole.

Ode to the Boys of Creede

2006-07-07T03:53:00.000-10:00

On our recent trip to Creede we had the fortune to meet several of the locals. It was an eye-opening experience for everyone! Because there we so many boys we decided to give them names because we could not be bothered to remember all their real names. Here is a list of everyone we met.

DQ Cowboy
Stalker Waiter in Lake City
Drew
Inappropriate 38 year old
The Band-Dewayn Brothers
Baltimore
Vermont
No Tip Douche
Fat Chicks A-hole
Teri's Boyfriend #1
$100 tip man
Douche Bag #2 ($100 bill y'all)
Hottie McDark Hair
Tat McMed School
Sweatshirt
Terri's Boyfriend #2 (Number 8)
Spilly McSpillerton
Moustache
Glowy McGlowerton
Boob Grabber
Greg
Mohawk
Bump 'N Grind
BJ Brian
Harley McBooberton
Harley Hero
Horney McHarley
Toothless McHarley
John the theatre guy....bitches (this is what Kerri wrote down)
Plumber McGoodkisser
Uncle Foo Foo
Taco
Taco's Brother...Jason McDrunk (Teri's boyfriend #3)
Potato Consultants and Washington
California McDrunk aka Jesse

Most of the names are pretty self explanatory. The names came from the boy's actions or clothing or other things....

Thank you Creede boys for buying all our drinks and entertaining us! We'll see you next year...and I know you'll be looking for us!

It Was Awesome!

2006-07-06T16:34:00.000-10:00

We're back from fabulous Creede, Colorado. It was an amazing time. The next several posts will include recaps, but this first post will be about the life-long dream that was accomplished in Creede.

I must begin by saying that I LOVE Harley Davidsons. They are amazing, hot, fast, just wonderful. I have loved them for as long as I can remember. I have books, calendars, a t-shirt, a model Harley. I've always said that as soon as I could afford one I would buy a Fat Boy.

While in Creede I was telling the girls my love for Harleys and there were many around the town. On the Fourth my good friends went into the local bar found a table with 4 "Harleyish" guys and asked them if I could have a ride. I was so embarrassed and grateful so I hid outside. After being dragged inside one guy stood up and said he would.

I hopped on the back and we were off. It Was Awesome!!!! We rode out of town and through the mountains a little. There is something a little terrifying when you're passing a car on a small mountain curve at 80...but it was awesome! The guy...hmmmm I just realized I never got his name...Said I was a natural. I guess I'll have to buy my Harley now!

There are many pictures and my sweet friends who promised to follow me in the car to make sure he didn't take me off into the mountains and bash my head in with a rock...forgot to do that. But I didn't care - I was on a HARLEY! And it was AWESOME!!!

For more about our fabulous escapades see Kerri's blog.

I Love Vacation

2006-06-26T11:55:00.000-10:00

I am super-excited to be going on a road trip with three great girls on Thursday. We will be going to Creede, Colorado to spend the Fourth of July holiday.

I love the Fourth! I’m not crazy patriotic or anything, but it was always a fun time growing up. Every Fourth we would have a huge water balloon fight after we ate bar-b-q chicken. My 80-something great grandma would join in the fight and end up sticking water balloons up her shirt to increase her bust size. Then we would sit around and play games until the sun went down when we would set off illegal fire works. Good times! Now that I don’t go to grandma’s house every Fourth mine have been equally as exciting. Last year Rhea, my dad and I went to the Styx concert – AWESOME! Styx Rule!!!

But this year our trip to Colorado will include river rafting, horse back riding, local BINGO playing, and much much more! I’m so excited. My part of the trip has been to prepare the car games. With a 12 hour car ride I need entertainment.

The Players:

Kerri. The experienced Creeder. We are staying at her family’s cabin. She has been a million times and evidently will tell stories along the way. She’s a blonde but not a bimbo. She is fun and girly (although she will hate me for saying that about her).

Teri. The cynical tyrant. She is hilarious and loves West Wing. We began to bond over Lost and the friendship has soared to new heights ever since.

Jen. The snack maker. Jen’s job is to prepare the snacks for the trip. Jen can shake her money maker like no other. She’s good at conversation and teaches kids to read.

It goes without saying that all three of these girls are amazing, kind and fun to hang around.

Creede or Bust Baby!

Adoption?

2006-06-23T11:04:00.000-10:00

I'm an only child and as a young girl I was convinced that I was adopted. This thought usually popped into my head when my mom made me clean my room or I was sent to my room. Basically whenever I was alone in my room I knew that my "real parents" wouldn't abandon me (which is funny because if I was adopted...).

Being alone in my room as a child was some of the most creative times I had. I would interview myself - I would play Barbra Walters (at this time from 20/20 fame - not The View) and my fabulous self. I would dress up and go on dates with Johnny Stamos and Kirk Cameron (before he got crazy). I would also record my own radio show and have different voices that would be the different guests. As I'm writing this I'm a little embarrassed about my pastime.

But when I would clean my room or snoop for Christmas presents I just knew I would find evidence that I was adopted. I knew that when I pulled something off a shelf a certificate of some kind would float off the shelf. It would say, "YOU are Adopted!" and it would be signed by the President. Because one of the President's jobs is to sign secret certificates. Once I found this certificate it would clear EVERYTHING up. My real parents would never make me clean my room or punish me. In fact they would just let me eat ice cream and go to ShowBiz Pizza.

Needless to say, I never found that certificate. And I look like both my parents so the idea that I was adopted is ridiculous...but entertaining.

Baby Momma

2006-06-19T04:56:00.000-10:00

Did anyone see this interview of Brittany Spears by Matt Lauer on Friday night? Matt asked her about her marriage and baby, etc. All she kept saying was the paparazzi are mean. Well boo hoo. If you're going to flaunt your W.T.ness everywhere you're going to get photographed. Let's get some things straight before I rant about Brit. I LOVE her. I'm waiting for her comeback like no other! I'm waiting for the divorce so she can go back to being the fabulous ho she is. (I'm also waiting for her to get back with Justin...)

I found something interesting about the interview. When Matt asked her about her marriage she denied rumors that it was on the rocks, but in a weird way. Matt even called her out saying she looked like a puppy dog. I think that is the mark or a lying woman! Let me go on the record saying she will be separated in 6 months. She might wait until the baby's born (which she couldn't remember if she was 6 or 7 months along!) but separation is in their future.

Also, let's talk about her dress. She is wearing that little pink top that is see-through at the tummy and her boobs are everywhere!!!! It was amazing. Brit I love it when you slut it up in your videos or make out with Madonna, but no one wants to see a slutty prego. Also the make up and hair is ridiculous! Where are your people! You are ridiculously wealthy - hire a consultant!

I'm just really sad that the one time I get to see Brit again it is under these circumstances...

PS - Go Mavs!

Stupid Hot

2006-06-09T11:47:00.000-10:00

The weather is officially ridiculous! It is about a billion degrees outside. I can't go outside without sweating. I'm all for hot summer days in fact I love summer. There is something about summer that everyone slows down a little, hangs out a little more and it gives you an excuse to drink a lot of alcohol to cool down. But this weather is not charming - it is stupid.

I'm not going to touch the global warming issue I'm just going to say it's hot and every year I get more pissed. My roommate loves the heat. She thinks it's great. In fact we have wars over the air conditioner. I like things cool inside - she likes it sweltering. I think because she enjoys this warm weather she is clearly crazy, but the weather is even started to get to her! If she's hot you know we are just living in the fiery pits of hell.

I would be fine with the heat if I didn't sweat. But there is sweating and sweating in places where sweat should not be like my shins and elbows...and other places....

I'm also not for the outdoor activities unless it is in a pool or lake. I just got back from my work picnic and most of it was outside - that is unacceptable. Outside games are not cute or enjoyable in the heat. No one wants to participate and everyone just gets pissed. I think parks should close if it's too hot.

The heat might actually be a little more bearable if the weather people wouldn't tell me every morning - Whoa! It's a hot one out there! Don't ever use that phrase again. Tell me the temperature, but don't comment. In fact I don't even want to know the temperature just tell me it is ridiculously hot and I'll stay inside.

Helpful Hint #1 Don't Eat Shampoo

2006-06-04T18:41:00.000-10:00

This weekend I was house sitting - which is nice work if you can get it. I packed my bag fairly quickly because I was just going 20 minutes away. When I got to the house I was unpacking and noticed that my shampoo had spilled inside my bag. Everything was covered in shampoo!!! My iPod, underwear, make up and most inconvenient my toothbrush. I rinsed everything to the best of my ability, but the next morning when I got up to brush my teeth I learned that I did not rinse thoroughly. I tasted shampoo for the entire day. I spit out soap suds until about 3 p.m.

Every time I picked up my toothbrush I smelled my shampoo. One would think - just go out and buy another toothbrush. It's not that easy. I have the spin brush (which is awesome) so it's not as easy to find a new top. So I have had to resort to the drug store toothbrush until I can find a new top for my Oral B.

I always thought that shampoo is a close cousin to toothpaste - they are both soaps with a purpose. But consider yourself warned - shampoo and toothpaste is NOT interchangeable.

Batman & Robin Eat Your Heart Out

2006-05-28T07:34:00.000-10:00

This is the best male duo on television right now! I love Boston Legal, but more importantly I love William Shatner and James Spader. Their chemistry is impeccable. They portray a male friendship that is not often seen in television. They respect and encourage each other. Bravo Denny and Alan.

For the record I'm also over people saying that James Spader is creepy. Get over it! He's charming and mysterious - it's his thing.

Suck It!

2006-05-23T17:09:00.000-10:00

I call 'suck it!" Just for the record you heard it hear first. I brought back the term suck it! It is a great phrase and should be used often. I find it helpful at work.

I was very frustrated last week when I heard my phrase used twice on TV. In the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and in the season finale of Boston Legal they used suck it! So for the record I have been saying suck it for a least 6 months so I call it!

This has happened to me before. I used the phrase about just throwing up in my mouth a little bit WAY before Dodgeball came out. So now when I use my carefully crafted creative phrases people think I'm just an imitators. So I say to them SUCK IT!

I Still Love Target

2006-05-20T11:37:00.000-10:00

The other day I was in Target on my way to the jewelry section and I tripped...on nothing. I was walking and my shoe went in another direction from my body. I skinned my knee and wound up on my back (in a skirt) in front of 20 people. I was so horrified that I went straight to check out and left. There were several people asking if I was alright. I of course said, "yes and let's not talk about this again."

I then woke up the next morning with a huge pain in my right big toe and I couldn't bend it. I broke my toe!!! Target made me break my toe. I'm over the pain and drama of the toe now. I also returned to the scene of the crime today, which made me contemplate life. I realized I fall a lot. I'm not a graceful person and I'll fully admit it. There is something about walking that I never mastered. It's really too bad because it is impossible to fall gracefully if it is unplanned. I have mastered the trip. I trip well. When I trip I look around to see if anyone saw and if so I give a cute little smile and pull it off. But when I fall flat on my face or ass or back there is no way to make that cute. It's just sad.

Ahhhh!

2006-05-17T11:15:00.000-10:00

If I hear James Blunt's You're Beautiful one more time I'm going to vomit everywhere!

90210 Dreams

2006-05-14T15:42:00.000-10:00

I had a dream that I was pregnant with Luke Perry's baby. But I wouldn't call him Luke I only would call him Dylan because that is his name. Dylan would get mad and I would tell him to calm down. I didn't end up having the baby. I woke up before the birth. I bet I would have named the baby Dylan if it was a boy and Brenda if it was a girl.

Birthday Salute to Jen

2006-05-11T15:38:00.000-10:00

...this is a little late.

Happy Birthday Jen! Here are all the reasons Jen is cool.

1. She can shake her ass any time, anywhere
2. She knows more about sports than a lot of people
3. She loves the Brittany (but don't we all)
4. She can out-shop almost anyone

There are many more reasons why she is fabulous. ...And of course she's kind and fun and laughs, etc.

Happy Birthday!

Car Singing

2006-05-10T04:36:00.000-10:00

It is May and that means warmer weather and the official season or car singing has begun. I am an avid car singer. I’m really amazing! For the record I do not just hum or mumble the chorus when I am singing in the car I belt out every word. When I am singing with Brittany she has never sounded better! My windows are not tinted; I know you can see me singing at the top of my lungs.

When I pass by someone singing in their car I smile approvingly. I appreciate the car singing. I DO NOT appreciate those who scoff at the car singer. You know who you are. You who roll your eyes or furrow your eyebrows when you see me singing (and occasionally dancing) in my car at the red light. You are not better than me because you do not sing in your car. In fact you might be just sad. I’m sure there is a study out there that says those who sing in their car are far more interesting than those who don’t. Do not judge join in the singing!

So I say to you, girl in the white BMW off 75 and Fitzhugh – Suck it!

The Fast Food Dine-In

2006-05-08T16:20:00.000-10:00

To dine-in at Whataburger, Wendy's, Chick-fil-a, etc. is a great experience and anyone who disagrees is fooling themselves. Let's explore the genius of the fast food dine-in.

1. You don't have to eat fast food in your car.
2. You get the pleasure of eating fried things, but you don't have to take all the time you would in a 'normal' restaurant.
3. The people watch factor is really high and hilarious.
4. If you're at Wendy's you could sit in that little area with the arched windows.
5. As much ketchup as you want.

I realize that this short list reveals a certain "WT" factor of myself. I would not normally admit the joys I find of dining-in at fast food restaurants, but I have been pondering this for a while. I think if you would look deep down you too will find the joys of the dine-in experience.

My First Post!

2006-05-04T17:24:00.000-10:00

So here it is my first post. I have succumb to the pressure from those around me and have entered into the blog world. There is a lot of pressure that comes with your first post. In order to try and not live up to any potential I decided to just catch up with the things I missed commenting on.

Christy, we miss you, but hope you're having fun
Hurricane Katrina sucked
The State Fair of Texas might be the most fun ever and anyone who doesn't like it is kidding themselves.
Happy Birthday to all of my friends
Merry Christmas
Brittany Spears had her baby!!! Yes, this blog will in part be about celebrities - they are entertaining.
Dale, the guy who stole your motorcycle is not going to read your blog and suddenly give it back.

2006 will blow your mind!!!